OCD Forums

Is this still OCD...or something else?

paintingroses — Thu, 09 Sep 2010 02:19:43 GMT

I've been doing well lately with my OCD, I think. I haven't been needing to take my meds, when I have intrusive thoughts, I've been able to ignore them, I've even been starting to gain some self-confidence. But there's something that sort of been bothering me. It's not a huge nagging feeling, but more like a little twinge of my conscience.
I've been having racist thoughts lately, and at first I just thought that it was OCD, but how could it be, if my OCD hasn't been bothering me much at all?
I think I'm becoming subconsciously racist...or I have always been, and I'm just now noticing it. It's not just racial slurs popping into my head, like other OCD issues that I've read about on here. It's like me making assumptions about people based on race...like thinking that someone will steal from me or something just because they aren't white. And today my dad said something that I took to be anti-Semitic...and it totally wasn't. Did I just think that it was because I myself am anti-Semitic?
I really don't think this is OCD, because if it were I would be worrying more about it. I think I'm even trying to get myself to worry about it more, because then I will feel like I have the OCD excuse...if that makes any sense.

Newbie here :D

Biddy — Thu, 09 Sep 2010 00:03:13 GMT

Hey guys im Mikayla or Kayla as every one calls me:) ive just turned 20 and im from ireland =] new to the site and just wanted to make friends and here peoples stories, Ive suffered from ocd since i was bout 16 17 and was put on prozac 60mg ive since been reduced down to 40mg , and hopefully i wll be able to be meds free in the near future , i guess my ocd affects me by getting bad intrusive toughts about harming people i love and bad sexual toughts too =[ i also suffer from HOCD it sucks and when you are suffering from it u reali convice urself that u cud be gay but when you come around again u realise it was just silly toughts :D any way feel free to add me as a friend and stuff ,, :) laters <33 :o

hocd foreigner

johnnyman — Wed, 08 Sep 2010 23:19:45 GMT

After couple of months viewing at hocd forums i finally decided to join 'cause it's really killing me lately. This post may be too long but i really need some support and reassurance, 'cause i am running out of material.
Well, the goddamn thought started three years ago. I was 17 and smoking weed with my friend. And for the first time i thought that this is a handsome guy and he can really get alot of girls. Next thing i felt is repeated over and over since then, anxiety, panic, stings, questioning, reassurance, questioning reassurance, questioning, questoning, questioning...
Until that time i had, as most of you, never had homosexual appeals, never been homophobic, never ever looked at guys in that way. They were just friends. I *******ated to girls since the age of twelve, had wet dreams about them, fantasised and so on. I had a very strong libido, and every single one of them could turn me on.
Again as most of you here, i have that bad anxious, irrational side of me. I use to be quite depressed over meaning of life, over the thought that everything must end. I was shy towards girls and especially then felt bad over my looks. I just didn't wanted to bother 'cause i knew they wouldn't wanted a guy like me. But a month before the damn thought i finally met my first girlfriend, and she was beautiful. I felt overwhelmed but was affraid to kiss her properly cause of my acnes around my mouth (?!), idiot. She finally left me. I was crushed, and totally felt the life was over. It seems that this kinds of mental disorders gets you when you are lacking your self confidence. So it did.
It was easy at first to shrug the thought of, even laugh at it. But it was there in the background. I started avoiding making visual contacts with guys 'cause it would make me anxious and panic. I started getting more introverted and more questioning. I turned to porn alot more.
The last day of my 17 year i met the girl i finally loved. Everything vanished. I loved her in the best way you can imagine. I was able to get over my fears with her. I had one episode of hocd when i failed to have sex with her. I just wanted, but i was drunk and anxious to do it right and it wouldn't get up. But she loved me and the second time i tried to get it up in my head for about fifteen minutes and she said:come to me. I turned off my racing mind and enjoyed it. It was then i realised what it meant to be self confident. From then on we had sex every chance we could get, for five months, two, three, four even five times in a row(sorry for the details, it's kinda self therapeutic).
It was awesome. But i had to leave for college. She waited for me two years and i blew it. First year was okay, but being apart from her still made me anxious about being around guys. But i'd let it be the background noise and enjoyed life. I even had an affair 'cause of a little crush i had with one girl, but i didn't tell my gf about it. Second year was hell, i moved to another college, and spent most time smoking weed. Well at first it was fun, but the thoughts started coming stronger and stronger, at first i would just think of my gf back home and shrug it off, than it wouldn't work i needed to *******ate to girls after my friends left.
Last month of second year on college was absolutely frightening, so goddamn bad that it could't get any worse than that. My anxiety was overwhelming and after some panic attacks i discovered i had developed depersonalization derealization disorder. My mind just said, **** it, it's way scary, we are shutting you off. And my persona vanished, my cognitive abilities vanished, i was a zombie in twenty four hours haze. Long after that i used it for reassurance: i couldn't have episodes of dpdr if i was gay, 'cause it ids triggered by anxious thoughts and not by self revelation. After i finally got out of it's demonic phase i realised my gf left me 'cause i wasn't putting myself in relationship anymore. First i was crushed, and it took me couple of weeks to understand it. While i was coming to my old self, while i was becoming more lonely and more sober this hocd came back with revenge. I would dwell on it for weeks. I remember i was having those thoughts consuming me and convincing me into something i am not. Laying on my bed one night i just said : "God if you're there, this is your child calling you. Everything is gone and i am killing myself if this lasts any longer. I don't want to be gay, i can't be gay i know i am not. But why is my mind telling me different." The next thing i know (which made my faith strong) was i encountered website with ocd definition and symptoms. I've never heard of that before. It was a gift from Him. There they asked if you really wanted to do that stuff, and if you say no then it is ocd. I asked myself, and i didn't wanted to do it. Not even in my dream. I had moment of clarity and it was great. But it didn't lasted. Well for the last month i went through this phases:
Started imagining gay stuff(self erp) and it worked for two days.
Have what i call ocd ocd, where i doubt if it is truly ocd.
Started feeling tingling in my groin and shrinking penis when watching naked males. It's almost as getting turned on, but when you let the anxiety there for minutes it's not anymore. It's just boring.
I almost puked even looking at gay porn. Still wasn't convinced.
Lost sex drive. use to enjoy watching lesbians and now i have to touch myself to get it up. Stopped watching porn hoping libido will catch up.
Can't be around friends without anxiety of looking at them, anxiety i will fancy them or...
Hiding from everybody. If i could just hide from myself.
Felt i needed sex change, that i was a girl trapped in man's body.
Tingling in my groin is practically all day.
I start the day optimistically and end up almost crying every night.
Thoughts were popping in my head so much i couldn't shake them that i finally said.: okay i am gay now leave. It worked for five minutes, i even laughed at it all and it's back again.
I even started to truly believe that i am gay, and the thoughts were not bothering as much, which is maybe the worst thing ever.
I got out of dpdr, but episodes of it are coming back if i stay too long in an anxious situation.

So what can i say for hope: Well in moments of clarity, which i get practically every two days, i try to dwell on the person who i was before. I try to fantasise on girls i use to and not check for erection, just enjoy it. It's hard even to relax but if i really get there it's great. That feeling of stepping in old me for moments and when everything feels right, and the naked girl in my mind feels right, my heterosexuality is right. Then i feel self confident for about five minutes. And that is the important thing, my shield. Whenever i find myself convinced i just say, but why i don't feel self confident (the word itself says self-you, not the ocd-anxiety, what if, dwell, spaced out, fearful you, - but YOU, happy you, self confident you) and know it isn't me it's this doubt wtf stupid thing in my brain. I learned i was self confident in the passing moments of complete straightness. That's me. The gay guy is confident with himself. He doesn't ruminate, cause he is happy. As i was. Everything else right now is covered in ****, my every single memory is faded, disguised in some doubt that i did this and that 'cause i was always a latent homosexual. Like i would dwell on that i had three female friends through high school, along with my other male friends, which is common for gays. But the straight me remembers this also, that i had crushes on two of them, one i even secretly loved. Another example is when i read what causes homosexuality and i see that gay people from birth tend to be isolated, bad relationship with my father. And i even tell myself wow, that's me, my father never loved me. But then i say stop: and what about all the times we went to see matches, played soccer with my father, and my father is cool, And that is the self confident me. It's hard to reach that moment, and it's not about analysing, your mind got you here, changed beyond recognition, feeling groin tingling 'cause you fear of it, acting femminine cause you fear of it and so on. It will use everything there is around you and in you against you, 'cause it's your mind. When it would feel right there would be no doubt, so it can't be right. Doubting disease remember, that's also a word of hope.
God and the true belief in clarity, in self confident, smiling me is the answer.
If you really try you could find doubts about nacis killing so many people. Or you could make it up so that it sounds sensible. It's the same thing here. It's not internal dillemma about one's own sexuality. Cause if that would be the case i would enjoyed being bi/gay cause it would feel good, i would feel self confident about it. But it's not like that at all. It's like one side is constantly questioning,assuming, even creating conspiracies with everything you feel, think or do, but the other side comes in that moment of clarity and just with making you feel good about yourself makes every doubt ridiculous.
Doubt is never an answer. Hapiness is.
Hang on and believe. Life is more than this.

Derren Brown

PJC1991 — Wed, 08 Sep 2010 22:26:32 GMT

Just watched Derren Brown on Channel 4 then, and im starting to spike quite a lot. Did anyone else watch it?

newbie here! hello

jamesd2004 — Wed, 08 Sep 2010 13:09:17 GMT

hey all,

just thought id introduce myself, i'm james, 23 and from the UK. I suffer currently from HOCD (self diagnosed-but 99.99% sure) i also worry that i will pick up on new ones, so that scares me too. Ive had this obsession for nearly 2yrs but have only just found out recently (about 2-3 months ago) that my symptoms were linked with somthing i never knew... called OCD.

anyway enough ranting. I must say its very comforting to read all the posts on here and also pleasing to know what i'm not alone in the world with this horrible thing which attacks us daily.

best wishes to all :)
James

Sweet sixteen

emii — Wed, 08 Sep 2010 12:12:59 GMT

Hi everyone! (: My name is Emily. I'm a sixteen-year-old girl who is attending high school in Australia. I love everything creative - especially drawing and writing - and like to spend time with my friends. I currently have two dogs, two cats, two rabbits, two guinea pigs, a bird, and a whole lot of fish!

Now that I've introduced myself... I guess I should introduce my OCD too, since it's the reason I'm on this site.

My OCD has been with me since I was seven, give or take a year or so. Since the age of eleven, it has gone from having to 'have things in a certain order' to a more devious form of OCD. I've been experiencing sexual intrusive thoughts, specifically HOCD, a bit of POCD, and am currently in a period of incest-related OCD.

My one wish is to be able to tell my friends what I'm going through without them being afraid of me, but I know that's unlikely to happen.

Anyway... I'd like to talk to anyone going through OCD, but particularly those who have experienced similar to what I've gone through. I don't bite, so don't be afraid to send me a message! ^^

Thanks for reading!
~ emii!

Normal?

emii — Wed, 08 Sep 2010 11:44:48 GMT

Just something I picked up on the other day, and I'm curious to see if anyone else had experienced it...

See, most of my OCD has revolved around sex. While I'm going through the incest-related OCD at the moment, is it normal to experience, say, a POCD thought sometimes?

I've often found myself feeling anxious at the mention of ANY paraphilia... foot fetishes, sex with animals, necrophilia, pedophilia etc... anything that's out of the norm sends alarm bells ringing in my head, but my OCD's main focus is currently on incest.
Is this normal? Have any of you gone through similar experiences?

Searching for new obsessions?

ruining — Wed, 08 Sep 2010 06:54:44 GMT

It sounds strange, as I've got enough.

I was curious if anyone had this kind of thought pattern. It's like I'm not 100% convinced that I've got OCD. I've been diagnosed, and in CBT treatments for a couple of years, with minimal success. The meds take the edge off, but then I start thinking, "I don't have OCD, because I'm not affected by,"... fill in the blank. Once I decide that I'm obviously not bothered by clutter on the piano, I have to go clean the piano off, almost as if to prove to myself that I do have OCD. It almost feels like I'm searching for something else to obsess over, but I swear I'm not. My house has been messy for a very long time. I've never been a clean freak, but I'm here at midnight, trying not to go clean the hell out of my house.

Also, the different obsessions come and go, and I get new ones, quite often. Is this "normal"? It goes in cycles.

Not sure if I'm even making sense. Anyone relate?

mis-diagnosed...does any of this sound familliar?

charity — Wed, 08 Sep 2010 06:11:53 GMT

The first one that I remember was an all-consuming fear of drugs. It must have started around second grade. I was afraid that I was on drugs. I worried that my loved ones were secret addicts or could become addicts at any time. I was afraid of cigarette smoke (another drug) getting into my body to the point where I didn’t want smokers touching my food. At night after I prayed to God to please keep everyone in my life safe, I would cry myself to sleep. Sometimes I searched though the belonging of my family members to check for drugs. I listened to their conversations for signs of danger. At the same time I had to read, watch and listen to everything that I could about drug use. My heart would race with fear but I couldn’t stop the research. I didn’t want to go places alone. Everyday I would fantasize about telling someone. I thought that if I could actually talk about it someone might be able to keep me safe and take over my burden. I was never able to bring myself to ask for help. This went on for many years.
Around fourth grade, I had a friend who introduced me to the concept of suicide. From then on that became a fixation of mine. I didn’t really want to go through with it. I just wanted the obsession to go away. I read, watched and listened to everything that I could on the subject. Whenever it came I was flooded with fear, my heart raced and my breath was faster but I couldn’t pull myself away. It was around that time that I started planning the event. I would consider a time/place/method. Having the plan made me feel calm. It made the persistent thoughts go away.
As I got older the suicide obsession followed me. It was getting harder and harder to make the thoughts go away. No matter what I did, it was not enough. I couldn’t tell anyone because the thoughts were telling me that if people found out that I spent this much time thinking about suicide but couldn’t do it they would think less of me. I also worried that if someone found out then I would be consumed and mocked by the thoughts.
I tried to pretend, go through the motions of planning. I bought supplies. I researched methods. I put my head into plastic bags for a few seconds and I learned how to tie a noose. I walked by gun shops and counted out pills. I visualized the scene and considered all of the details. I did these terrifying things to make the thoughts go away. I thought that performing these actions would satisfy that part of my brain that was torturing me and I would be free.
I struggled with that obsession for years. Some periods of time were better than others but it always came back. In my thirties was I told that it sounded like OCD and I was put on a helpful medication. Until then, I had been mis-diagnosed as schizoaffective. I was young and I assumed that the thoughts must be what hearing voices was like. It’s just that the things that I had to think about and do in response felt so unlike me. I didn’t want to believe that they were my thoughts coming from inside my own head even though I knew that that was the reality. I know that the fact that the obsession was about suicide made it even more complicated. I’ve been searching and searching for a story about a similar experience. I can’t find it but I keep telling myself that I didn't make this all up.

New and need support with intrusive thoughts-OCD

baileyj6767 — Wed, 08 Sep 2010 04:12:39 GMT

Hi Everyone,

I'm a 30 y/o female and I've just discovered what my lifelong pain is... OCD. I suffer from HOCD and ROCD, as well as a few others thrown in there. I've found this forum and it has given me a lot of relief, it's nice to know that others feel the same as I do.

I was hoping someone could help me out with my latest obtrusive obsessive thoughts. I seem to be obsessed with the fear of blurting out a bad word in public. Not just any bad word, but the "N" word. It is consuming so much of me, worrying about this! I know it is just my OCD, as I usually have obsessive thoughts like this every few months. I could wait for it to "fade," but I was hoping someone out there had any tools to help me curtail this.

Don't get me wrong, I am not racist in any way. I am fully culturally and racially conscious and am in no way discriminating. I am a sweet, funloving human. These thoughts enter, they are not me at all, and they ruin my day.

Does anyone have any suggestions to work this through??? Any help would be great.

Thanks in advance :)

Panic Attack -worst in years

Ana_B — Wed, 08 Sep 2010 03:27:48 GMT

Hi,
I went off of my SSRI meds a little over a month ago, but had trouble recently, so I've gone back on another, with hopes it'll have fewer side effects. But, it's not kicked in yet, and I am really struggling. I feel like I don't know myself anymore. I'm obsessing and I'm generally extremely anxious. I had a terrible panic attack today that I'm "coming down" from. It was the worst I've had in four years. So bad that my dad is actually driving 5 hours in the middle of the night to be with me. (I live in a new city and I don't know anyone here.) I took Xanax for the second time in four years (the first was last Thursday), but it's only now really working - two hours later.
I'm feeling so scared and alone. And so pathetic that my family is so worried about me. And so lucky and undeserving to have a family that cares so much. I'm afraid that I won't be able to function and I'll lose my job and my career and everything I've worked so hard for. I don't know myself when I'm like this. Most of the time (i.e. when I'm on medication) I'm fairly confident, adventuresome, and reliable, with a slight tendency to worry or over-analyze. The few friends I've confided in have been surprised to here I have OCD. So, I feel like I'm losing myself. I'm already planning to take tomorrow off to see my doctor again. The Xanax I have is a couple years out of date, so I want to get some new pills - maybe these are old.
I'm feeling so alone and scared - like I'm grasping for anything to hold onto. So, I just wanted to post and see if anyone's out there. Anyone who's felt like this and made it through.

Can hormonal imbalance contribute/cause OCD?

element506 — Wed, 08 Sep 2010 02:08:10 GMT

I just recently heard about this. I have OCD and unrelated to OCD, I look young for my age about 4 years younger and some friends joke I should get a hormone shot.

After reading about this and then putting the two together can their be a link?

Feel bad

ILML — Wed, 08 Sep 2010 00:10:43 GMT

So I just remembered 2 years ago when I was drunk and was speaking with some of my mates and these two girls were there who were like showing off, slaggy and annoying and like we were joking about and I showed them how to punch like in wrestling where you put one hand on their head, and hit your fist on your own hand. I did this and then the girl was like "owwww", and I was like "wait let me do it properly" and did it again and she was like "owww" and my mate saw her crying like a minute or so later.

Looking back I feel like I did it on purpose because she was annoying me. My mate said it was quite hard, I think I meant it as a joke but if i think too much I feel like it was on purpose.

My mate jokes me with oh your a woman beater, he seems half joking half serious. I feel really bad about it all.
I used to be a huge asshole when I got drunk, now I rarely do get drunk and when I do I'm chilled.
Someone else said she was being a baby but they always defend me. It didn't knock the girl over at all but that's hardly the point is it?

God, What Is This Constant Indecision, Uncertainty!

ocd nightmare — Tue, 07 Sep 2010 20:50:04 GMT

the title is self-explanatory.. its those feelings that never go away... its torture. Like not feeling certain about ANYTHING really lately... any decision I make... or even who i really am... or what the heck I am doing half the time! .....maybe ADD?? i know it could be the OCD but god, this is maddening...... it really is... Constant Questioning of Everything. its like not being certain about anything anymore... because maybe nothing really is certain in life except death? Like my brain is FROZEN.

Does anyone else take a while to fall asleep too?

element506 — Tue, 07 Sep 2010 19:31:00 GMT

I think my OCD most likely has a part in this, but ever since I was young it always took a real long time for me to fall asleep. It would always take me atleast an hour! I would be lying in bed and would constantly be thinking of things. Not good or bad, and nothing axiety related, just always thinking about whats been going on with my day or whatever.

I remember being young and hearing my parents go to sleep after me, and the second they lie down, a minute later I hear them snoring! I can't even believe how at rest their mind is to do that!

I suppose because are minds are always active and on overdrive all the time is why its hard to sleep!